Evie Verdampen (solotus) wrote,
Evie Verdampen
solotus

Bad LSD trip, PTSD, anxiety, cannabis withdrawal, intrusive thoughts, seeing god

I went to visit a friend the weekend before last, in Wales. I was playing a psytrance set at his new night in the little town he lives in, then a friend drove us to Liverpool for a private psytrance warehouse party. I took two tabs of really strong acid, two different kinds with about 5-7 hours between.

I was also pretty drunk and took a little bit of MDMA.

Usually, I don't take LSD recreationally... well i never used to. first time i took it i had a bad trip, thought i was going insane... took a long time to try it again. since then I've had many great trips, great insights to my own mind and it has helped me through a lot of shit.

because of this, i became more frivolous about where i when i took it. it was easier to take a little bit with a little bit of alcohol, at parties, just "for fun".

the trip was actually really good, up until about 3pm the next afternoon when we had to venture into Liverpool city centre then get the train back to Wales. the journey took about 2 hours, two different trains. about half an hour into the first train journey, i started to feel like i was going to have a panic attack. i've had one full-blown once before, after a night of taking ecstacy and a friend getting sexually assaulted in my house. during that, my hands, arms, face and throat went numb, which i now know was due to hyperventilation.

so, i couldn't get the fear of this happening again out of my head, and then it started to happen. i was able to keep it to just my hands, took deep breaths and stay ok-ish until we got to wales. i thought once i got to my friend's house that i would be ok. but i couldn't shake the panicky feeling. i couldn't get to sleep for over 12 hours. my thoughts were getting bad by this point. i thought i was dying. i couldn't understand why i was still tripping SO hard.... i thought i was never going to stop. when i finally did get to sleep, i woke up a few hours later feeling even more panicky, heart rate was so fast.... i could hardly breathe. i had to go and lie next to my friend in his bed, and only because of that did i calm down enough to pass out again.

when i woke up, i thought i could see blood in my urine. and i was getting abdominal pains. i eventually took myself to the local hospital. it turns out that my urine was just dark from dehydration, but man that SERIOUSLY looked like blood to me.

i had to change my flight home to the next day because there was no way i was doing that train journey back to liverpool again so soon.

when i got home, my laptop wouldn't turn on, when all i had wanted to do was lie in bed and watch farscape.

then my "boyfriend" (we were never really official and the past few weeks have been a headfuck between us) came round, after not really offering much comfort when i told him how i was feeling.... and told me he didn't want to see me anymore.




i think if i hadn't taken 10mg of valium before he came round point that i may have broken down completely.
(i rarely take valium, a friend gave it to me to help me feel calm).


since this happened i've smoked a little bit of weed, and it has only seemed to make things worse. i've been a daily smoker pretty much for coming up to ten years now, since i was 13/14. the longest break i've had is 2 weeks.

when i finally got on the internet i looked things up about bad trips, and read a shitload about how it can trigger schizohprenia and psychosis. then the symptoms of these conditions.... and since reading those i have been questioning reality. for a few days i felt like maybe nothing was real. maybe everything was just a construct of my mind. or maybe that i died and went to hell. since last night, i've been having very dark thoughts. you know those weird urges you sometimes get... to do violent and/or crazy things? but that usually just go away as quickly as they come because you know they are crazy? i used to get them sometimes anyway but now that i'm scared of being crazy i seem to be having them uncontrollably. ive even been worrying that if i get worse, i might snap and actually do them. i mean i do not EVER want to hurt anybody, but the fear is there.

i have never been so scared.

i know that it's probably just a combination of PTSD, reading crap online about LSD and cannabis usage, paranoia, and cannabis withdrawal. and knowing that my great uncle was diagnosed with "simple schizophrenia", and that it's only been just over a week since the most terrifying experience of my life. but i can't shake the feeling that something isn't right. also... one of the last times i tripped, after a festival when i was awake for 3 days... as i was finally drifting off to sleep i heard my own voice in my head, a demonic version of it... telling me that i was going to die. i still dont know if it was just a dream but it scared me a lot.

i feel ok on and off.... so i hope that i will be better in a few weeks. i have decided to stop smoking weed completely. it is just not worth the risk. it is hard, because even though it is not physically addictive, ive been using it in pretty much every aspect of my existence for a decade. i smoked to help my bad appetite, i smoked to help my art, i smoked to help my sex drive. basically the only thing i didnt use it for was to sleep, because it always got my mind racing so much that it would keep me awake.

people, please be careful with these substances you put into your body. they are not just harmless fun. and there IS such a thing as TOO MUCH awareness. it got to the point where i actually couldn't stand the sound of my own heartbeat, and the tinnitus that i already have got unbearable. the psytrance i had been listening to all night was still playing in my ears. i couldnt stand the sight of my own reflection. i couldnt stop focusing on my breathing because i was so afraid of not taking deep enough breaths.

i have also had muscle twitches when drifting off to sleep, which have now subsided but i've still been getting a twitch in my left shoulder on and off just throughout the days.

truth be told, i have been praying to god. i have been that scared. i was agnostic verging on atheist for a long time. but after this.... i'm so freaked out that ive been thanking god for every moment that i feel sane. im very scared of having a flashback as well, even though i've never had one before so i dont know if i am prone to them.

i was prescribed SSRIs before this happened, and still havent tried taking them. i basically wanted a few more weeks of partying before going on them. BIG mistake. but now im not even sure i wana take them either because the idea of them making me worse for the first few weeks is so terrifying.

i love everyone and i do not wish this fear and anxiety on anyone. your mind is so precious to ruin by drugs and use them as a crutch. experiment if you wish, but do not go overboard. take care of yourself. you are worth so much more. don't just play with powerful chemicals in order to escape or expand your consciousness, with these promises of enlightenment and "spiritual healing". even if you respect them they could still fuck with you.

i dont think i will ever take psychedelics, cannabis or any other drugs EVER again.


ps- i am now on day 3 of cannabis withdrawal. last saturday was the first day in years that i didn't smoke anything, and i felt good. the next day I caved and smoked a few pipes, which only brought my negative thoughts back. i am now having even worse intrusive, violent and negative thoughts but I am doing some reading on how to dispel them. it is hard, and sleeping has still been a problem, though the muscle twitches have mostly subsided.

i feel irritable and happy on and off. i feel more talkative. my thoughts are still scattered but i can feel them becoming clearer.

i feel like life could be more enjoyable sober than it ever was when i was stoned. i feel like i am waking up, and discovering myself truly. i'm not used to my normal thought processes, i feel a bit scared that i don't know who i am, but i'm willing to find out. i am still scared that i may be insane though.

i used to wonder how anyone could go through life NOT being high. now i am realising how fucking foolish that is. i am coming to understand why people fill their time with seemingly mundane tasks, and why a lot of people are scared to explore and expand their consciousness. i am still all for doing that, but drugs are definitely NOT the solution. they can help, but i used them as the one and only method for way too long. i fear i will never be able to do it on my own, but then there are times when i feel like i could have more will power than most people and maybe it is possible. i just hope that spending 10 years high since i was 13 has not done permanent damage. i just hope that i do not go crazy as i get older and my brain starts to deteriorate.

i plan to write a proper update in about a month or so. i hope i do not relapse again, though i honestly do not have any desire to toke atm. well, i mean i would LIKE to be able to, but i know that it will do me no good.

i've thought about cutting off my dreads/combing them out, and getting rid of everything in my room that reminds me of my stoner life. but i still love my dreads, i think i am just still in a place where everything reminds me of it. getting rid of these things may not even help. so i'm going to just try to be strong.

i am having my birthday celebrations this weekend, i plan to have a couple of drinks but i'm even a bit scared to do that. i will just have to have self control and if i feel it makes me worse i will stop drinking and just focus on chatting to my friends. i may not even drink anything at all, i'll see how it goes.
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